Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
