Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
