I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
