So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
