So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
