I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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