The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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