I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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