went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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