look no pants
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
