I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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