If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Randomize
