just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
