this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Boobs are out for the taking
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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