duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
a search helicopter?!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
