Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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