I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
