Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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