scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
