this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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