she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
