My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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