i need an iv and a liver transplant
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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