i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize