i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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