I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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