Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
