her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
