I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
