Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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