Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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