Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You were trust falling into bushes
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
