All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
