shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
