I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he fucked my hip out of place.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
