her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
