Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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