and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize