I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
