Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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