I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
