have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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