Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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