...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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