You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
