I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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