Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
