The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize