I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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