So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
