too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
