We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
