So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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