she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
