He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
