so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
