I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
