yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
